I miss you Papa!!!
I have never felt so lost in my life as I have in the last 24 days since your passing away Papa. I know you are at a better place, and yes you deserve to meet Ma who has been waiting ever so patiently for you for almost 15 years now, but, the girl that has always looked up to you, who calls you her mentor, who heavily relies on you for your support has been so lost that, that it has been hard finding her.
Although in the last few years we talked less and less since you lost your words. I became creative and did not let that come in between us. I always found a way to talk to you. I used to have a full blown conversation with you, even if it was imaginary, and you were kind enough to participate in the craziness. You kept your word ALWAYS, even if it meant, participating in my imaginary conversations. You had told me when I was very very young, that you had my back and that I could always come to you with any problem, and that my papa would do the best in his abilities to take care of it. You did that even when I was talking to you in my mind, or out loud, risking my sanity. You just knew who I was, and that was the eternal connection I share ONLY with you.
I am having a very hard time coming to terms to say, I HAD a connection….somehow, my heart, mind, and soul are not ready to accept the fact, that it is a thing of the past because I lost my hero, my mentor, my guide, my Papa. Someone I always looked up to. Someone who I always aspired to be like. I know, in this lifetime of mine, if I can become remotely like you, it would be an honor for me…but people like you are super rare and very special. Your ability to understand the human mind; your ability to understand and withstand pain, and your ability to empathize with people was extraordinary. The connections you made with people (your patients) in the clinic were beyond surreal. I watched you since the age of three (this is when I recollect my first memories of him), doing your magic over and over again, and always with so much joy and finesse. You were so grounded. Never ever did you let your achievements get to your head. You hated being celebrated. You just did because it was the right thing to do. Even if it was an 18-hour work day, you had a smile at the end of the day, just because you loved your craft so much. You never missed anything important in my life because you were busy. Somehow you just made time for everything, and that always made me feel so special.
When I sit in the chair of a therapist, the role I have in society, I feel it is all you did for me all my life. Your advice outweighed anyone’s for me…period. You thought through everything, you understood me and my needs so well that I had to say so little. You just “got me”. Today, I am in a dilemmna….do I let you go? Do I set your spirit free and let go of my mentor and begin to trust myself for the 1st time in my 4th decade, or do I selfishly keep you around in the capacity you have been? Is this a moment of growth for me or is it ok for me to want to consult you from time to time? What is right, what is wrong, nothing is making sense. I am not ready to say goodbye to you and everything that means you.
Today, when I brought the metal photoprints home to put on my altar, I realized, it was as a gesture of celebrating your next phase. You have transitioned Papa, and I hope you find what heaven is supposed to be, but do you think I am being too selfish trying to hold on to something that smells like you…that is you…that is your essence? Do you think I should set you free? Do you think I am asking for too much? See….I am consulting you even now.
I hope to find myself soon and walk on the path you showed me. I hope to make you proud and do what my karmic journey has put me on this planet to do. I hope to celebrate your presence in my life forever and forever. Thank you for blessing me with your presence and thank you for being my Papa. Thank you for showing me a way of life I would have never known.Thank you for always believing in me. Your words, “That’s my beta”, and “My beta can do anything”, will stay with me forever and ever.
Love you Papa. Miss you terribly. Stay blessed. Keep on shining your light… now in the next world…